My child is not here.
My husband has predeceased me.
The friends I made at school and spent so many years with, day in day out, are long gone.
All my colleagues from all the jobs I’ve ever done are somewhere else.
Or nowhere anymore.
No one who knows me is left.
It’s just me now.
And the nurse who doesn’t have the time to get to know me.
Or the inclination.
She is tired and wants to go home.
Me too. I’m very tired and I want to go home.
I long to see my mum again.
She’s waiting for me in the kitchen and wants to know how my day went.
I’ll tell her the whole story while she makes dinner.
And what a long day it’s been!
Such a long time since I saw her this morning as a little girl.
It feels like a lifetime.
I’ve learnt so much, but everything that mattered she taught me right at the start.
How to listen and care and laugh and share.
How to make life so warm and cosy that you feel snug inside it.
All wrapped up in a thick blanket on the lap of someone who loves you and will always look after you.
Even when they’re no longer here.
My mum still finds a way to reach me years after she died.
She gets to me via my thoughts.
Thoughts that tell me to brush my teeth and not to worry about things.
Thoughts that showed me how to love my daughter.
The granddaughter she never met, but spoke to every day through me.
Her mannerisms, turns of phrase, values, attitudes and humour emanating from my body.
And cuddles!
Lots and lots of her cuddles through my arms.
I’ll save this final poem for my mum: the only one I can rely on to read it and think it’s good.
Even if it’s really bad!
Mums can be like that.
Helpfully biased in your favour!
Thinking you should have won that prize!
Proud to bursting when you master the simplest thing.
Cheering you on so reliably that even when they stop, you can hear their voice for the rest of your life.
My child is not here.
But I hope she feels me with her just like I feel my mum with me.
Whispering “You’re amazing and I love you.” in her ear.
Even when I’m not here anymore,
I pray she can still hear me.
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